my brother just killed himself my brother just killed himself

She hung her self. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. But the way she was, always so sweet and happy.. no one had a clue what was really going on, I had a slight idea but the way she pretended to be ok, she played it so well.. Today Ive cried since I awoke at 4:30 and all day long. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! Love and light to everyone going through this grief. I feel that its my fault I wasnt there to support him. How long will I feel this way? Ive been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. March 8th, 2018. Everything is starting to feel fresh again just like the days after it happened. If you think it would be helpful, have you tried speaking with your mother about the potential of reading his letter? I keep having these feelings that her next marriage will end in the same result. I went to her house earlier after I found out she killed herself my my uncle found her in her car running in the garage. My sister who killed herself was neglected. If he were here right now (he didnt leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think hed say he did it for me. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. I want to end my life daily. I dont know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. I miss you so so so much. Helping a Friend Who Has Lost a Loved One to Suicide Youre in my prayers I hope you find your son. He called . I keep wishing I had put aside my ego and talked to him maybe hed still be here. The only thing I remember after we got off the phone was me crying so much. He spent the last 7 years of his life lying to me, and to himself, about how bad it really was. He had rapid cycles, sometime multiple times a day. Apparently the blast wave causes injuries all throughout the brain.This can cause cognitive deterioration, leading to PTSD symptoms, mental illness, etc. Unfortunately things arent going so well. I said- we will be right here. And lately I habe been having visions of her doing it. Cristina April 7, 2019 at 3:54 pm Reply. You are not responsible, no matter how much his family makes you feel as though you are. Thanks. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. All the feels and more that you describe are very accurate and hard to cope with at the same time. It breaks my heart that so many others felt the same way as my brother. And he knew that. I am so sorry for your pain and loss. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. What he never did was give us and he learned to read and write and graduated from high school. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. The mother and father of a disabled girl who died after becoming morbidly obese and police found her body covered in maggots, have been jailed. Conflict with my family members, especially in the beginning. I already couldnt interpret my brother properly, after all this time. But I cant help but blame myself for being part of the reason he made that decision. Two more teens, 14-year-old Kenneth . TW: abuse and atypical grief reaction, for those who might need it: My emotionally and psychologically abusive and controlling father died by suicide. I wont waste time on introductions because theres a lot to cover. I feel like i have been scarred for life and have not gone to counseling. i love him so much. Im sorry.. I believe in the eternal nature of our souls and I know his spirit lives on. After a suicide death, conflict may emerge because: Evidence suggests that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. Ill carry this weight for the rest of my days. Five hours later my husband and I found him hanging in an old barn. I eventually was able to say Hes dead, and everyone around me just stared. I know she will continue to hug my heart every single day of my life. We were extremely well matched. Me too. I dont know if thats something youd be interested in, but its there if youd like to look at it.). I think the biggest difference between the two of us is that back at the end of 2015 I sought out therapy and was put on an antidepressant. He enters my dreams a lot and 9 times out of 10 its negatively.. We had been together since April. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GPs, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. You may want to lock yourself away alone. i dont discuss how his life ended with most people because even some of my closest friends feel the need to share their unsolicated opinion of suicide and frankly my dear . I get it and relate. I knew she was struggling and in great emotional pain. He had just turned 20. Ive always wanted that big family that you see on tv with the happy grandparents in there grandkids lives and all the sisters and kids getting along. So thats what I wanted to sharejust something I have been working on. Im starting to recover, but I cant handle anyone mentioning his name. My dearest darling friend just died yesterday and she lived like this for over a decade. Zane, Im so very sorry for your loss. May 17, 2016 at 10:36 pm Reply. Called his ex-wife the night before he wanted to take his boys to school the next morning. Savannah Elizabeth Speight April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply. The guilt is just a strong undercurrent flowing beneath the pain. My sister in law ended her life on 8/6/2018. I struggle with depression, PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, insomnia, agoraphobia, social anxiety, and self blame. The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. Six weeks later he hanged himself. corrupted files. "That's it," he said through clenched teeth, "I'd rather be . I am in my final year of school with 2 weeks of exams coming up in a couple weeks time. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell youre in now. Really kinda both their fault. Edit: Mentally and emotionally exhausted but reading through these comments and truly taking them to heart. On nights that were particularly tough, Id take all of his weapons from his house to be sure hed be safe. I chose to respond in a similar noncommittal way. Maria Lyall June 3, 2016 at 2:14 am Reply, My son took his own life 3months ago at the age of 30. I feel immense anger and I know I am not the same person, how could I be. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. The baby lived a few days so at least we got that I guess. Ive never seen him upset or sad even. His family did not even know me since he never introduced me. They didnt seem to think he was at risk. I found out I was pregnant a week later. My friend killed herself during Spring Break. And now this, what do I do now? He was going down that same road I knew what he was headed for, and should have been more supportive. . Remember god only takes the best!!! The question of what happened isnt something a child can comprehend at that age and my child is a lot smarter than I realized. Its very painful for me to hear especially coming from your own family and friends and other people ( church, neighbors, relatives, co- workers etc) who are quick to judge my husband as a bad person because of how he died. He opted out of his breathing machine because he said he had had enough of the pain, and since there is currently no cure for ALS, he chose even the day he was to take his mask off. Your comment made me think of the episode. The people that I know that knew him only knew him a little better then I did, as we all belonged to a MeetUp group. So heartbreaking. and in Psalm 37: 5-6 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. I dont know what Im supposed to say or do, or how to brace myself for the waves of grief and anxiety and obligations waiting for me back home. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. He was worried about where to met up with his class. Since hes been with me for the last 8 years he has had a safe environment. I cant imagine this pain getting better. He was out with his true friends just before. I know she was stubborn and had a strong spirit desperately trying to escape a diseased brain that was dealing with way to many issues. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. The most painful part for me is my brother, seeing the emptiness in his eyes after losing his little girl. Last thing I can think of at the moment, offered up from the distance perspective of years, write down your memories, archive photos/videos etc. I am soooo sorry. It ruins relationships, and it truly changes your view on life as well as the way people view you. We took him off of life support 12/23/18 as there was no hope. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, its no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. Luckily, when I received the horrible news, I was in the presence of my college roommates (who are also my best friends) they offered me so much love and support. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. She deserved the world and he took if from her. Know that someone else out there knows how you feel. He was retired Navy, and served for21 years. I miss him so much i want this nightmare to be over. Im really just trying to justify living in this cruel world. Id never seen my father cry until this and I am struggling as I have to go back to school to teach soon. I miss him sooo much. Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. He was never treated or diagnosed with anything related to mental health disorders. I am not making excuses but I am unfortunately not focusing on the original reason or HUMAN I MISS IMMENSELY AND FEEL that I didnt do enough to help my son before it was too late! I just miss my brother. i was so busy and overwhelmed that i told him i would see him next time. She was going to a therapist. . He told me he was going to the store and that was the last time I saw him. I Inherited My Brother's Laptop After His Suicide, What I Found On It Thank you all for sharing your grief experience. About how he felt there was no one to turn to, no one he could share his perceived weakness . Life can be so cruel. I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. I love you Forever my Guardian angel When we could finally go back into the STICU he didnt look himself. I am heartbroken. I woke up the next morning to a text that said Im sorry, GB I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. My 15 year old niece took her life a few weeks ago. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. We spent the day together, even attending an Xmas work party. When I read that I knew I was going to lose my friend soon. Teach them about life and things like respect, hard work, determination, and star wars , football, and girls. Out of my entire Family, we knew each other the most. When he died because we were not married his son and sister decided no funeral, I couldnt say good bye and his sister stole our joint bank card and charged a room at the Hampton Inn while her brother was at a cheap motel leaving him unattended. I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadnt have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. And unless you are lucky enough to have a strong support network behind you, people who can influence you in a positive and compassionate way, then your life will never feel right. His bicycle is in my shed. julie dlouhy September 9, 2016 at 7:30 pm Reply. He would do anything for us. At any age, when a child says, "I want to kill myself," the child generally feels she cannot control the situation or the grown-ups, so . But.. My ex and I are on good terms. Although we may have a long way to go in understanding suicide and effective suicide prevention, we have thankfully progressed far beyond the dark days when people considered suicide a crime or religious offense. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid. Your son knows how much you love him. Thank you, Ive recently been searching for info approximately this subject for ages and yours is the best Ive came upon till now. To be honest, I just feel relieved, in the weeks before he killed himself he left me a couple of voicemails and it triggered me very badly. This pain and guilt is like nothing Ive experienced before. Sometimes i feel empty and losing interest on some things. I was there for himfor 29 years I was there for him. He had other mental issues with a traumatic Brain Injury. I keep wracking my brain looking for ways to help, but theres not much I can do. You never think about your 14-year-old brother dying before you. I lost my son to an overdose suicide last year, and while I knew he would eventually succumb to his depression, I was still shocked of course. Ik hes looking over you where he is now , I'm not a professional, but I do know it's common to copy your siblings but to this degree? My baby brother just killed himself yesterday. I am currently going through some of the challenges he had when he was alive. Although we can offer general thoughts on this subject, it is your insight that adds truth and nuance to this discussion and helps those facing similar circumstances feel less alone. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. You did the best you could. I thought about it but then I thought no, nothing will happen to her, Ill see her in the morning.. I honestly dont know how I will get through an entire lifetime with this kind of sadness on my shoulders and in my heart. We did our best to be there for her through thick and thin but the mental anguish was too much for her. This week has been a very trying time, and Im not sure if I am subconsciously grieving in anticipation of the date, or putting myself in his circumstances at the time, but my heart has felt so, so, heavy. I want to see her again. (23) was stopping by to get something to eat. He introduced me to so many things. Thanks, Josie, Im so sorry for what youre going through. Susana November 7, 2018 at 3:56 am Reply, Hi sky I can completely relate to your pain. Yes it does hurt and it does stay with you, it changes everything about the person you once were. Three days later, Tyler Clementi, a gay student at Rutgers University-New Brunswick, killed himself after being recorded on a webcam kissing another man. He and I watched each other grow up. We tried to get him help but he was already in a dark place. As I am finding out now that he was deep into meth addiction. I wish we all could have done more. I feel you my brother hung himself on Mothers Day . Hi Im Ella Im 14. Its overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. He somehow convinced me that I should want to help him with his chores or eat the food he didnt like for dinner so he could be excused. The anniversary, or death-i-versary, or crap-i-versary or whatever you want to call it, is hard year after year. Although its been 30 years its affected everything I do and say. that ones important cuz I lost 30 pounds before I figured that one out. Im sorry for your loss. I hear she did it alot. They found her sitting in her car at a rest area. The toll of his anger, depression, and paranoia was hard. ive sadly said the last mean things to my dear wife this morning! Wednesday the hospital Chaplin came in. It took an hour for the police and fire dept to get there, and I could not believe that our love had come to this. Political campaign; countersuits. | Political campaign; countersuits Dear June I am so very sorry for your loss and grief. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. . Worst day of my life. I am sorry for your profound loss and I too am amazed by some of the people who have never come forward to express sympathy. But from my grandpas perspective I understand what happened. She said it is my fault and I didnt deserve alimony in the first place and that she read my texts. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. In fact if I hadnt been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide Id have never found you at all. I felt I couldnt deal with his anger, so we didnt see each other for a year. My 16 year old daughter lost a friend to suicide a couple of weeks ago. It wasnt selfish to me, it was a disease that finally took him. I am now divorced. It is incredibly normal to struggle when takling about such a difficult loss. On Monday at about 5:30 with my mom, brothers, his brother and myself all by his side the nurses took out the tube. I too, lost my precious daughter, Kelly, by suicide. He was my supervisor for only about three months before I got out of the military so I dont know why it hurts this much. We did some snooping in his room while he was in the hospital. I wish that people werent so afraid to get help. My mom came home after being gone for two days from babysitting for another brother while he and his wife were out of town for a wedding and found him. My son lost his battle with Bipolar disorder a year ago. My dad died by suicide when I was five, so I dont remember much of him and that is part of the pain. So grieving is unfortunately something I tend to feel. Ellie October 11, 2016 at 1:22 pm Reply. Linda January 21, 2022 at 2:13 pm Reply. It is not your failure. i question myself somedays was i a good sister. One of the last texts he sent me just said thanks man, no seriously thanks. He was kind and generous. I learned from all this, to never take any moment or person for granted. I have all these questions that no one will answer. Sometimes I wonder why he didnt want to take me with him. My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, its going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Nothing. Not to be mean or as a punishment but to give his children a calm structured life. Xx Nic. There arent enough resources or even training for professionals on these matters. Screaming, shaking. You have my deepest sympathies. I cannot stop shaking. My life crumbled. You didnt make him think it was cool. Papi and I are spending the Holiday Season in Quebec, to try to escape from the pain for a little while. It is a horrible disease for which there is no cure nor treatment. I really do wish all of you take that same pain of losing someone and turning it into something beautiful. After some time to process my feelings, without the help of my family, which has disintegrated even more since this tragedy. I loved that man and I still do. He talked to us every single day even when he was annoyed by his job. I am the father of two beautiful daughters. I have a beautiful wife now and am 26 years old but will never be able get this out of my head or the depression. I was shaking all over couldnt breath I was angry and so upset all at once and I didnt even know what happened. I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. He says he so far away in heaven. I hadnt heard from him and assumed he was busy with family and friends. I mean what else was there to do? Press J to jump to the feed.