No problem, the sales clerk answered. Thesecheesy pick-up lines are are sure to get you a laugh (if not love). Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist. Laughfactory.com, Anyone want to buy some exercise equipment? Do you own a doghouse? The fellow was being sold a very cheap suit. He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. This is your captain speaking, AND THIS IS YOUR CAPTAIN SHOUTING. Maybe youll find a brain back there., 45. Whether youre looking to tell it like it is, or offer someone a confusing truth about human behavior, these quotes to live by are sure to help you out. My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. Im friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. This isnt my child. GCFL.net, A skeleton walks into a bar. Monica Hesse, writer, A stranger enters a store and spots a sign: DANGER! I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places. Shut up with the back talk, because if I wanted lip from you, Id sit on your face L.A. Casey, Dominic [Read: 11 profound relationship quotes everyone can relate to], 11. My four-year-old grandson loves picking dandelions, placing them in a glass of water and presenting then to his mom. Ye gads, matey, says Morty. Again, he hears the booming voice: There are no fish under the ice!, He nervously looks up and asks, Lord? Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor. But two weeks later, theres still no sign of the mutt. 25 Clever Jokes That'll Make You Sound Smart | Reader's Digest Submitted by Chelsea Larson, I was out walking with my daughters one evening when, suddenly, my two-year-old looked up and asked, Who folded the moon? Submitted by Julianna Waldner. Whoever told you to be yourself gave you really bad advice [Read: Ready to charm? How far do you think I can kick this bucket. Via Getty Images/ Dalton Rasmussen / EyeEm. A class act. Oh yesthe news. Submitted by Isaac Sargent, I was staying in a hotel where the towels were so thick that I could hardly close my suitcase. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. short for? Yo mama so ugly when she went into a haunted house she came out with a job application. BBLTHRW. You could break a ball bearing with a rubber mallet. ", "I don't know, but the flag's a big plus. Oh look, just put me down for five.Submitted by Kerrie Pont, The prosecutor was relentless as he badgered the witness: What did the accused do when he learned the jewellery was stolen? He did what any honest man would do, said the witness. After working late one evening, I stopped at the drive-through on my way home. But when it gets bad, I take something for it. Ken Dodd. One night, while we were out for supper at a Mediterranean restaurant, my sister-in-law had a question about one of the appetizers. I thought, thats Abba-riginal. After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. I used to be freaked out too when I was alive. Ive never seen anyone run that fast! I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. 72. He was just going through a stage. In other words, how many chicken does it take to change a light bulb? Says the chicken, Sorry, but thats the subject of another joke.Submitted by Gary Johnston. Hes not breathing and his eyes are glazed. Weeks? Funny Redneck Sayings and Quotes - Sayings Plus He looked at all the rings on my fingers, then exclaimed, You must have had a lot of husbands! Submitted by Esther Dawson, Me: I brought some books for us to read. God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time. Robin Williams, 5. Thanks for the compliment [Read: 20 Smart medieval insults in English that should make a comeback], 48. Someone on the other side of the wall screamed, Hey, you jerk! This is why some people appear bright until they speak. Steven Wright, 33. I didnt know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy. I always say Morning instead of Good Morning, because if it was a good morning, I would still be in my bed and not talking to people., 2. 52. It can be a shared little world of private jokes, silly characters, and inside jokes that build trust and bring you closer to each other. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him., They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held in a locked vault. How do you think I feel? asks his companion. 40 of the funniest jokes about Brexit 150 Funny Adult Jokes - Hilarious Humor for Adults in 2023 - MemesBams Aidan on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco Last New Years Eve, I finished work and raced to catch the bus, but by 12:10 it still hadnt come, so I figured Id likely missed it. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. It took half a century, but hippies finally won. Ruth Buzzi, actor, Interesting fact: a shark will only attack you if youre wet. Sean Lock, comedian, Two guys stole a calendar. 49 of Monty Pythons funniest jokes What are you? asks the cat. She poured some milk into the saucer and Jim did likewise. Eight dollars, I answered. !" It was a long, dramatic, drawn-out way of telling us to shut-up. 27 brilliantly funny quotes from This Country He says to the man, "We're going to have to give you a drug test.". Between you and me, something smells. Whats your secret for a long, happy life? I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. Me: Yes. As a scarecrow, people say Im outstanding in my field. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a millionaire today. As he sat down, a woman shouted, I dare you to do it again.Submitted by Debra Miteff, A job applicant was asked, What would you consider to be your main strengths and weaknesses? Well, he began, my main weakness would definitely be my issues with realitytelling whats real from whats not. Okay, said the interviewer. .LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH{fill:var(--newRedditTheme-actionIcon);height:18px;width:18px}.LalRrQILNjt65y-p-QlWH rect{stroke:var(--newRedditTheme-metaText)}._3J2-xIxxxP9ISzeLWCOUVc{height:18px}.FyLpt0kIWG1bTDWZ8HIL1{margin-top:4px}._2ntJEAiwKXBGvxrJiqxx_2,._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{vertical-align:middle}._1SqBC7PQ5dMOdF0MhPIkA8{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-inline-flexbox;display:inline-flex;-ms-flex-direction:row;flex-direction:row;-ms-flex-pack:center;justify-content:center} Literally nothing is rhombus shaped. While rummaging through the boats provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. Uncle G: How much does it cost to stay in it? 25 hilarious dad jokes youve probably never heard before Thats why this suit is only $30., Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suits left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car. I dont know, she replies. If you laugh at these dark jokes, youre probably a genius. As a Russian prepares to cross the Ukrainian border, the border guard asks, Occupation?. "c**tpuffin, "It's always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they're always taking things literally. I live by the seaside. Ken Dodd. Why couldn't the defensive football player pass his test in school? Submitted by Jennifer Estlin, Moved by the church service, the richest man in town stood up and addressed the congregation. Tap To Copy. Later that evening, he parked his pickup in front of Sarahs house and left it there all night. Knowing what you value will help you build the most meaningful life possible. Im in your driveway., 47. He replied, Only if she starts hanging out at hardware stores and buys a lot of power tools.. you couldn't kick jokes - Johnnyroadtrip.com ' Tim Vine, This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He doesnt look at all dangerous to me. Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seatbelt. Wow, thats incredible, the doctor says. ', Dad replies, 'We are your real parents, son. After a few moments, Bill says, Hurry up, Messy Bessy, we dont have all night. Jenna feels her cheeks flush and her eyes fill with tears. When he answers the door shes standing there in a slinky black dress. He wasnt familiar with royal etiquette, so he decided to simply follow the Queens lead and hope for the best. You keep out of this! she yells. Do you think I look like them? He shook his head. These funny work cartoonswere made for sharing at the office. I started lusting, Father., Yes, says the priest, Lust is a dangerous sin., Theres more, says the man. The plane takes off and the parrot orders a Glenlivet, neat. How many times did you hit him? asks the detective. A nervous wreck. Its all very well and good having a range of smartass quotes in your armory, but how do you deliver them in the right way? /*# sourceMappingURL=https://www.redditstatic.com/desktop2x/chunkCSS/TopicLinksContainer.3b33fc17a17cec1345d4_.css.map*/, A standard British one is "You couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery.". A cloud of tension hangs over them, and one thing is clear: these two are not going to end the night in each others arms! One day, the eight-year-old had a spelling bee with her sister. Four-year-old boy I babysit: *suspicious* Me: *Lays out books* Four-year-old: Well, this is disappointing. But hay its in my jeans. A: Copies. Please joke responsibly. Submitted by Tyler Meason, The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. The first one is on the house. Tim Vine. ", "If at first you don't succeed, don't try skydiving. He rubs it and instantly, a genie appears. Want to turn someones frown upside down? The 20 most nonsensical quotes from the W1A team Submitted by James Hewitt, Marriage is just two people taking turns mashing the trash down in the hopes the other one folds first and empties the bin. Not yet.. You were my cup of tea, but I drink champagne now., 13. The other man looks disgustedly at the one who made the wish and says, Nice going! Its a talking clock, the drunk replied. Is a baby covered in cream, saying, Ah! 25 of the most textbook Alan Partridge quotes What did the baby corn say to its mom? Daddy! Where are average things manufactured? They always take things literally. Some days you eat salads and go to the gym. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. Listen, the crook says, you dont want any trouble, and neither do I. May I interest you in a sarcastic comment, instead? Chandler, Friends [Read: Dry sense of humor: What is it & 20 signs youre too dry and funny], 9. These wiseand often hilariousquotes from The Good Place can be applied to everyday life! Snake 2: I dont know. Sadly, female airline pilots are still relatively rare. A talking clock? Next, the psychiatrist treated the optimist. Theyre full of small bells.. As they are walking out of the restaurant, Jenna starts to rifle through her purse to find her keys. He asks the dogs owner, Why on Earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?, The owner says, Because hes a liar! You know a girl is mad when she starts off her sentence saying: I just find it funny how Because there is a 99.9% chance she did not find it funny., 30. Every so often, the good people of the Ask Reddit community get together and reveal their favorite short joke. My life is a mess, he says. In fact, my name is Murphy., Aha, thought the agent, heres my man. So he whispered the secret code: The sun is shining the grass is growing the cows are ready for milking., Oh, said the farmer, youre looking for Murphy the spy. Father asks him, So, you were at school today, right? Son: Yeah. Detector: Beep. Son: OK, OK, I was at the movies. Detector: Beep. Son: Alright, I went for a beer with my friends. Father: What?! Then it hit me. Professor of Logic Merch: https://www.redbubble.com/people/robtzn/shop?asc=uFollow on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sparkleforesst Whats that big brass gong for? asked the friend. Should be fun, but it costs $500. "couldn't organise a "? - Google Groups Smartass quotes. It never really took off. Milton Jones, Recently I went on a ballooning holiday I put on four stone! Milton Jones. A labracadabrador. [Read: How to be witty 25 ways to win everyone over with your charm]. Submitted by Christina Melton, I wouldnt want to fly Virgin. Derry Girls: 35 of the funniest quotes and one-liners What sits at the bottom of the sea and twitches? What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack? Later, they order an other round. I nixed that one in favour of a low-tech model. ", "It's thinly sliced cabbage. Ive used too much! Submitted by Andrew Bird, I was mugged twice last year. You cheap bum! she yells. There, on the front cover, was a red circle around my misspelled name. ", "Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat. Jim was invited to Buckingham Palace. I said 40. Submitted by Paul Lewis, I think my goldfish has seizures, a man tells the veterinarian. Aha! Jokes > Funny Insults > You're stupid 15 How to be witty and win anyone over]. Thats when youll want to have an arsenal of coy, yet hilarious, comebacks ready in your back pocket. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor. Could fuck up a two car funeral. I usually work the evening shift, finishing close to 11:30 p.m. After a few minutes, the bird yells, Wheres my scotch? Whats wrong?, The head monk with tears in his eyes replies, The word is celebrate!, Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot daywhen they pass by a bar. ", "I didn't know my dad was a construction site thief, but when I got home all the signs were there. Looking back, he says, maybe I shouldnt have started with the circumcision.. As I told the salesperson, I dont need to be depressed four ways; one is quite enough.. So, as you can see, I said, Im doing a lot more than inflating at my desk. I got the raise. You wont believe these crazy (but true) drive thru worker stories. ! Doctor: Nine.. You couldnt beat a one-legged man in an ass kicking contest. He goes up to the pub, and sure enough, the bouncer says, "I can't let you in here with that dog." He replies, "Oh, I'm blind and this is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer says, "Ok then, come on in." The second guy sees this and does the same thing. 134 Likes, 22 Comments - Aidan (@diazaidanw) on Instagram: "From killer hoco proposal, to killer hoco outfits . Weinstein, Last night I was walking home and took a shortcut through the cemetery. I looked at him, puzzled, and said, But, sir, its raining! He replied, Then take an umbrella and water the plants. Submitted by Nilesh Patel, At the local hospitals emergency room, the nurse joked, as she fitted me with an ID wristband, Youve been bar-coded! I, being 72, added, Long past the best-before date. Submitted by Colin Campbell, If you understand English, press 1. Im 49.95. When my nine-year-old son, Simon, saw the T-shirt, he asked, Yes, but how much with tax? Submitted by Gilles St-Laurent. You wont look cool if you show everyone just how happy you are with your efforts! 41 of Bill Baileys most gleefully funny jokes and one-liners .FIYolDqalszTnjjNfThfT{max-width:256px;white-space:normal;text-align:center} Submitted by Chuck Welch, Proudly showing off his new apartment to a friend late one night, the young man led the way to his bedroom, where there was a big brass gong. Maybe 22, he says. You have to touch them all over before they respond. I never knew my real ladder. shein voucher code first order; russ rose salary penn state; bluestacks text not showing; wordle alternative game; what is marco scutaro doing now A reliable jokenever fails to break the ice during social interactions, and goodness knowssome of us can use all the help we can get in those situations! 76 FUNNY Football Jokes That Will Land You A Score [Read: Funny conversation starters and 40 lines to instantly fit right in]. These funny tweets about food are sure to make you smile. These smartlight bulb jokes are truly illuminating. Five, six, maybe seven times. When I told him, he pointed out that I really had failed to organise a piss-up in a brewery. One in 1. One day, I was brushing my teeth in the restroom before a flight when a woman walked in. Obviously, use them only when the conversation gets out of control and the other person stoops to insults. Mr. 45 of Ricky Gervais funniest jokes Math teacher: If I have three bottles in one hand and two in the other hand, what do I have? Ill tell you whatnever again. ._2a172ppKObqWfRHr8eWBKV{-ms-flex-negative:0;flex-shrink:0;margin-right:8px}._39-woRduNuowN7G4JTW4I8{margin-top:12px}._136QdRzXkGKNtSQ-h1fUru{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex;margin:8px 0;width:100%}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_{font-size:10px;font-weight:700;letter-spacing:.5px;line-height:12px;text-transform:uppercase;-ms-flex-pack:justify;justify-content:space-between;-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center}.r51dfG6q3N-4exmkjHQg_,._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2BnLYNBALzjH6p_ollJ-RF{margin-left:auto}._1-25VxiIsZFVU88qFh-T8p{padding:0}._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs._2nxyf8XcTi2UZsUInEAcPs{color:var(--newCommunityTheme-widgetColors-sidebarWidgetTextColor)} Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn if he were standing inside. ._9ZuQyDXhFth1qKJF4KNm8{padding:12px 12px 40px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM,._1JmnMJclrTwTPpAip5U_Hm{font-size:16px;font-weight:500;line-height:20px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:40px;padding-top:4px;text-align:left;margin-right:28px}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM{-ms-flex-align:center;align-items:center;display:-ms-flexbox;display:flex}._2iNJX36LR2tMHx_unzEkVM ._24r4TaTKqNLBGA3VgswFrN{margin-left:6px}._306gA2lxjCHX44ssikUp3O{margin-bottom:32px}._1Omf6afKRpv3RKNCWjIyJ4{font-size:18px;font-weight:500;line-height:22px;border-bottom:2px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:8px}._2Ss7VGMX-UPKt9NhFRtgTz{margin-bottom:24px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP{border-bottom:1px solid var(--newCommunityTheme-line);margin-bottom:8px;padding-bottom:2px}._3vWu4F9B4X4Yc-Gm86-FMP:last-of-type{border-bottom-width:0}._2qAEe8HGjtHsuKsHqNCa9u{font-size:14px;font-weight:500;line-height:18px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-bodyText);padding-bottom:8px;padding-top:8px}.c5RWd-O3CYE-XSLdTyjtI{padding:8px 0}._3whORKuQps-WQpSceAyHuF{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}._1Qk-ka6_CJz1fU3OUfeznu{margin-bottom:8px}._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-weight:500}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb,._3ds8Wk2l32hr3hLddQshhG{font-size:12px;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon)}._1h0r6vtgOzgWtu-GNBO6Yb{font-weight:400}.horIoLCod23xkzt7MmTpC{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:#ea0027}._33Iw1wpNZ-uhC05tWsB9xi{margin-top:24px}._2M7LQbQxH40ingJ9h9RslL{font-size:12px;font-weight:400;line-height:16px;color:var(--newCommunityTheme-actionIcon);margin-bottom:8px}